Monster in her Heart
by Yami White Rain
Summary: [slight renjixrukia] Rukia didn’t break alone, and, by extension, she can’t heal alone either.


Monster in her Heart

By: (Yami) White Rain

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Pairing: Gen. Though this fic is to explore Rukia before the series starts, and by extension, her relationship with Renji, so it can be read a Renji/Rukia.

Summary: _Rukia's first memory was of death._ Rukia didn't break alone, and, by extension, she can't heal alone either.

-

"Lend me your sword, Shinigami," He says.

"It is not Shinigami," She says. "I am Kuchiki Rukia."

"I see. And I am Kurosaki Ichigo."

-

Rukia's first memory was of death.

She wasn't quite sure who died until years later, though.

It seemed to fit her.

-

The first person she killed was a dear friend (his name had been Aki, and the name burned deeply in her mind and heart). He was very ill, and could hardly move. Rukia feared that it would spread.

Or that he'd hold them back, because they didn't have time to keep someone who couldn't pull their own weight.

He smiled and thanked her as she pressed the knife into his heart. She whispered his name only once after he died, the only crack in her calm exterior, and never spoke his name again (that she knows, she often muttered his name in her sleep, and Ichigo has heard it. He never asked, though.)

She quickly walked to a nearby river to be alone and wash up. She spent a long time just looking down at her hands darkened by red blood that seemed black. She cried. Because she killed someone she loved, and because she knew she could, and would do kill again.

Rukia understood that there were lines people drew, they knew how far they were willing to go on the darker matters of life, until they were faced with a situation in which they had to cross that line. She was able to see this every time that one of her friends made they stole something for the first time, or killed something, because blood on your hands was better than starving to death.

She thought that those lines there, even if you have to cross them, even if you have to move them, was something that kept you sane.

When she washed the blood of her friend off her hands (and thought about how bright green his eyes had been, shinning even more as he got sicker), Rukia realized she didn't have those lines.

She told her friends later that he died on died on his own. Renji was the only one who suspected there was something more, but he never said anything (although it could be wishful thinking on her part.)

-

One by one, her friends (family) died (and that word gained more meaning each time she lost one of them), until just she and Renji remained.

They joined the Academy together, and each new face seemed to be a picture of another person she could lose (another person she could take away.)

She found it was easier to stick with Renji, and watch people from afar. Even more so, when she could see that other people had those lines as well. She wasn't sure what she would do if anyone else found out that she didn't have her own line, and there were no limits to what she could do.

Until Kaien. She seemed to forget that lingering fear when she was around him. Maybe she even started to make her own line, maybe that feeling that she didn't feel so lost and didn't fit into her own skin she felt when she was around him would fade away.

But she ended up killing that by killing him.

-

It wasn't until Renji let her go that Rukia realized how much she'd grown to depend on his presence. She didn't have these lines to guide her, but she had him to keep her grounded.

"Thank you."

-

She gets another family with Byakuya, and something aches within her, she gets the feeling that if she can get his love, get a family again, maybe what she was (a monster among others) wouldn't matter as much. It's a hope that she doesn't deserve, but burns within her, anyway.

But he doesn't even look at her.

-

She pushes her sword into Ichigo in the same way she did years before, destroying the last of her hope.

The light blinds her for a moment.

She feels lighter for some reason, she doesn't know it, but she has cut away the first bind that the monster in her heart was clinging to.


End file.
